Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Follow the Yellow Brick Road Red Carpet

The Oscars are kind of a big deal in Hollywood. From it’s humble beginnings it’s blossomed into one of the most self-praising, glad-handing event imaginable and, of course, Andrea and I can’t get enough of it. We decided to watch Ryan Seacrest schmooze his way through E!’s two-hour Red Carpet Special and bring you the best and worst of our observations.

Bare with us … this wasn’t easy to edit and even less so to remember exactly what we were talking about, but we’ve done our best. Come along, if you dare, to fawn over Kate Winslet with us.

6:00 PM

Kristine: I don't think I've ever actually watched the red carpet from start to finish like this
Andrea: I have. Sadly, the Oscars are usually an all-day event for me lol

6:03 PM: E! alien princess Giuliana Rancic announces that Nicole and Joel are having a second kid.

Kristine: You've got to be kidding me
Andrea: YUP! I heard that earlier
Kristine: why is Miley Cyrus there?
Andrea: Bolt
Andrea: the animated movie
Kristine: oohh
Andrea: she's very sparkly
Kristine: I like that dress on her
Kristine: As much as I don't want to like it, I do

6:11 PM: Jay Manuel from America’s Next Top Model is announced as E!’s style guru

Andrea: Jay looks like a waiter
Kristine: It would be nice if he changed his hair once in a while
Andrea: Honestly, it's so white it looks gray
Kristine: Frosted hair is so Joey Fatone
Andrea: circa 1998

6:12 PM: Heidi Klum and Seal show up

Kristine: HEIDI!
Kristine: Dude, I have such a woman crush on Heidi Klum
Andrea: I have a woman crush on Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet

6:18 PM: Giuliana crawls through an irritatingly long interview with the night’s host

Kristine: I've never noticed this before, but Hugh Jackman's got one wicked long nose
Andrea: He does!
Andrea: I have a feeling this is gonna be the weirdest Oscars ever..lots of musical numbers and such
Kristine: Do you think MIA will be here? Did they get her to confirm?
Andrea: I dunno, but I'm assuming she will. She performed at the Grammy's 9 months pregnant so this should be a piece of cake

6:27 PM: We don’t like Ben Lyons

Andrea: oh look its the "movie expert" Ben Lyons
Kristine: He looks like he's 18
Andrea: Totally

6:30 PM: Seacrest interviews Zac Efron

Andrea: Oh look, Zac Efron
Kristine: what's with the slicked back hair
Andrea: I was JUST gonna say that
Kristine: His favorite movie was "everything this year" lame answer
Andrea: way to be decisive
Kristine: Oh wow look at that… Vanessa Hudgens is right behind him. And she thinks her dress looks like something a “young Audrey Hepburn” would wear.
Andrea: DEFINITELY NOT AUDREY. Gee, can you tell we're very protective of Ms. Hepburn?

6:36 PM: Kevin Klein, who knows why, stops to talk to Seacrest

Kristine: Wow I didn't know Mark Twain was going to be on the red carpet tonight - Oh my bad. It's Kevin Klein
Kristine: What is Seacrest SAYING!? Who asks KEVIN KLEIN about American Idol?
Andrea: Ryan promotes his freakin radio show on E!..he’s like the king of cross-promotion

6:40 PM: E! talks about how the Oscar parties have been toned down in the wake of the recession. This is, of course, less than two hours before the Academy unveils its curtain made entirely of Swarovski Crystals.

Andrea: Yea I'm sure Hollywood is thinking about the recession right now..riiight
Kristine: Their lives must be so hard
Kristine: I can't imagine what it must be like to be rich in times like these
Andrea: I'd feel guilty
Kristine: Yeah but the being rich part would ease that pain
Andrea: exactly it doesn't mean I'm actually gonna give my money AWAY
Kristine: If Hollywood is so big on going green, why haven’t anyone thought to get a shuttle for this event…look at all those cars backed up
Kristine: or make people carpool like we had to during the MTA strike

6:45 PM: Seacrest interviews some of the children from Slumdog Millionaire

Andrea: aww! these kids from Slumdog are so cute
Kristine: I know!
Kristine: that kid just totally showed up Seacrest - "He's not speaking so I can't translate, duh"
Andrea ryan just dissed that kid
Kristine: Brad and Ang will be adopting each of these kids
Kristine: their parents better claim them immediately following this ceremony
Andrea: Freida Pinto is gorgeous I wish I looked like her.
Kristine: Yikes, Sophia Loren. She's looking harsh tonight. It's the hair
Andrea: She looks better than Melissa Leo's country singer hairdo right now

6:49 PM: We catch a glimpse of Taraji P. Henson’s dress

Kristine: Taraji really does look great
Andrea: Ahh Taraji's dress
Kristine: HAHAHA
Kristine: I like it!
Andrea: it looks like someone mummy-wrapped her in toilet paper

6:52 PM: Slumdog’s two stars (Dev Patel and Freida Pinto) stop to speak with Seacrest during which he brings John Legend into the fray so everyone can talk about how great they are

Kristine: Oh look, it's a big group hug
Kristine: "We're all so famous and talented. We love our lives"
Kristine: the Slumdog actors seem genuinely to be enjoying themselves, though
Andrea: I think they're dating in real life
Kristine: damn she shot him down cause he's too young
Andrea: haha aww, I think they're lying
Kristine: probably
Andrea: why is John Legend there?
Kristine: haven't a breeze

6:54 PM: Random shots of actors arriving to the ceremony

Kristine: I would love Richard Jenkins to win
Kristine: but for Stepbrothers
Andrea: hahaha
Kristine: ROBERT!!!!!
Kristine: PATTINSON!!!!
Andrea: AHHH!!

6:56 PM: Viola Davis and her husband talk to Seacrest

Kristine: Ryan's very handsy
Andrea: Because that’s the most affection he ever gets
Kristine: Viola's husband was just so excited to be introduced to Ryan
Andrea: Viola was nominated based on her impressive nose-running in Doubt
Andrea: she had a 5 min scene and her nose was running excessively..it was all I could look at
Kristine: gross
Kristine: gross gross

7:01 PM: We see a shot of 1993’s Best Supporting Actress winner

Kristine: There's Marisa Tomei
Andrea: She's a cougar…dating a hot younger dude …I wonder if she brought him
Kristine: She's a woman after my own heart
Andrea: Oh Marisa did bring the younger dude. [Ed Note: It’s Logan Marshall-Green, by the way]
Kristine: oo i have to see him [Ed note: I never did]
Kristine: do you think she’ll win again?
Andrea: and upset "everybody"?

7:10 PM: More arrivals

Andrea: WOW Mickey's dyed hair
Kristine: He's looking greasier than ever
Kristine: I love Sarah Jessica Parker's dress she looks like Cinderella
Andrea: why is natalie portman there?
Kristine: I don't know but she's gorgeous

7:14 PM: Our love stops to talk to Seacrest

Kristine: Robert Pattinson again
Kristine: It looks like he's talking to Ryan next
Andrea: yess!
Kristine: too bad he's such a horrible actor
Andrea: He's a great interviewee though
Kristine: yes very much so
Kristine: Do you think he's thought about us since we talked to him? [Ed. Note: That’s not a lie, we ran two hours worth of interviews with him]
Andrea: Every night I'm sure

7:17 PM: More arrivals

Andrea: James Franco poses awkwardly with women
Kristine: He looks high
Andrea: He prob is
Kristine: I love Evan Rachel Wood's dress
Andrea: I'm so glad Evan Rachel Wood isn’t Dita Von Teese anymore.

7:20 PM

Kristine: dude SJP's boobs
Andrea: dude Matthew Broderick's hair
Andrea: It looks very striped
Kristine: Ferris Bueller is gettin old
Kristine: He needs to borrow some of Sarah's hair dye.
Andrea: Garnier Fructis, is it?

7:22 PM: More arrivals

Kristine: Who's that ghost? oh. Anne Hathaway
Andrea: Seriously! She picks the most unflattering colors for her skin

7:27 PM: E! shows Beyonce’s arrival while Seacrest interviews Mickey Rourke

Kristine: Beyonce needs to not be here
Kristine: and her dress sucks
Andrea: EW I bet her mom designed it. [Ed note: We found out later that her mom DID design it.]
Kristine: Does Mickey Rourke wash his hair?
Andrea: Oh, look he wore his fancy tooth.
Kristine: so sad about the dog
Kristine: I really do feel bad
Andrea: omg the necklace
Kristine: awe! the necklace!
Andrea: That's a little weird, not gonna lie

7:29 PM: Another arrival

Kristine: Queen Latifah's performing...I'm very excited for that
Andrea: This is gonna be one big musical tonight
Kristine: the Grammy's part II

7:31 PM: Another arrival of Jessica Biel in her towel dress

Kristine: Get off the phone, Jessica!
Andrea: haha another "attendee"
Andrea: which basically means they have no point in being there
Kristine: Seventh Heaven was a long time ago, sweets
Andrea: she looks like she's wearing a towel
Kristine: Jessica Biel's dress...WHY IS SHE WEARING THOSE BLACK SHOES??
Andrea: because she has the black bag.. she thinks that makes it ok

7:33 PM: Ron Howard stops to talk to Ryan

Kristine: I had no idea that Ron Howard was so short
Kristine: I always pictured him being tall
Kristine: yesssssssssssssssssss Arrested Development all but confirmed from the man himself!

7:36 PM

: Did Ryan just tell Evan Rachel Wood that he can smell her?
Andrea: That's not creepy at all
Kristine: Nope

7:38 PM: Ta-Da! Brad Pitt and Angelina finally arrive and send the media into a feeding frenzy

Kristine: Here are brad and ang
Kristine: Could Guiliana be any more frantic over them?
Andrea: Look at them waving like they're the president and the first lady. They know they’re just actors, right?
Kristine: seriously

7:46 PM: Kate Winslet arrives. We are thrilled

Kristine: Kate looks amazing
Andrea: Kate looks matronly
Andrea: I'm sad
Kristine: the dress is cool as hell
Andrea: I don't like it
Kristine: I never realized it before
Andrea: dude YOU have awful taste!

7:51 PM: More arrivals, including a shot Brad and Ang walking down the carpet from 300 feet away. Thank goodness they didn’t let Giuliana any closer

Kristine: WTF is Tilda Swinton wearing
Andrea: Wow
Andrea: I love it
Andrea: jk
Faith95: It looks like a snuggie gone bad
Andrea: Guiliana is at stalker-status right now. She’s OBSESSED with Brad and Angie. It’s a little scary.
Kristine: She literally orgasmed when they arrived.
Kristine: KATE!
Kristine: aw, she's so nervous!
Andrea: I'm surprised she didn't bring Leo as her date instead of her husband
Kristine: she's loved him for 13 years!

7:53 PM: We still don’t like Ben Lyons

Kristine: Ben Lyons needs to go away
Kristine: and by that i mean back to his high school science class
Andrea: hahaha

7:58 PM: Brad Pitt makes good on his last Red Carpet snub of Ryan Seacrest

Andrea: whoa they didn’t snub him this time!
Andrea: Ah, well. It was brief, but at least Ryan got something.

The fiasco ended with a quick interview with Robert Downey, Jr. – a personal favorite of ours – before we flipped channels to watch all the pomp and circumstance.

Have any comments about the red carpet this year? Let us know in the comments section below!

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