Thursday, February 5, 2009

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Have you ever noticed how Hollywood rarely does movies about the “happily ever after” part of a relationship? The story always seems to end when the relationship begins. That’s probably because most people in Hollywood have never experienced the “happily ever after.” Hell, they’ve never even experienced the “ever after,” happily or not.

In Hollywood, marriage is the new dating. It always has been, and that’s why there are so many celebrity divorces. But a recent article in Page Six about designer Mary McFadden and her ELEVEN husbands. Well that just got my little mind churning: who in Hollywood has been married the most? Since actors love nothing more than to award themselves, I'm giving them the shiny, new Hollywood Walk of Fame Shame [Think: "The Razzies" for relationships].

Since I’ve decreed that four marriages is blasé [because it's my award, that's why], to be eligible for contention the celebrity in question must have been married at least five times. That in mind, I present to you the Shame's Inaugural class:

  1. Joan Collins: 5 husbands
  2. Geena Davis: 5 husbands (how that happened, I haven’t the faintest)
  3. Billy Bob Thornton: 5 wives
  4. Cary Grant: 5 wives (bonus points: possibly gay during each one of them)
  5. Jerry Lee Lewis: 6 wives
  6. Robert Evans: 7 wives
  7. Lana Turner: 8 husbands
  8. Elizabeth Taylor: 8 marriages to 7 husbands, but she’s graded higher than Turner because of her everlasting notoriety
  9. Mickey Rooney: 8 marriages, but he's graded higher than both because being able to drug eight different women into marriage without getting caught is worth extra points. (Or maybe it was his portrayal of Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast at Tiffany's that won them over)

And finally, the President of the Inaugural Class of the Hollywood Walk of Fame Shame is … [drum roll, please]

Zsa Zsa Gabor. The woman has had nine husbands – most likely in part because, as Andrea once pointed out to me, she was considered the Paris Hilton of her day.

Honorary mention does go to McFadden for her diligent work to further this cause, but because of her minimal celebrity status she failed to garner enough votes [read: mine].

To nominate members of next year's class, please email us.


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