All About That Dialogue!

So last weekend I was flipping through the channels and - surprise, surprise - I landed on TCM. All About Eve was on, right at the part where Margo Channing (Bette Davis) is furiously ranting in the theater after finding out that Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter) was made her understudy. It’s not the first time I’ve seen the film, but again it struck me - this script had bite. (Joseph Mankiewicz’s Best Screenplay Oscar was well-deserved.) The dialogue - especially Margo’s lines - was crackling. Literally pops right off the screen. I swear you can almost see sparks flying from Bette’s mouth when she talks.

Almost everyone knows the movie’s famous line, “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!” But I wanted to document some others, if only for the fact that while I was watching, I kept saying in my head, “I need to write that down!” I’ve also included some handy notes on how to work these lines into your everyday life. It might get you some weird looks - or it might get you cast in Broadway play. Not quite sure, haven’t tested it...but here goes.

Next time a guy asks to buy you drink, respond the Margo way: “I'll admit I may have seen better days, but I'm still not to be had for the price of a cocktail, like a salted peanut.”

Next time someone accuses you of being insensitive, call upon this exchange between Bill (Gary Merrill) and Margo: Bill: Have you no human consideration? Margo: Show me a human, and I might have!

Next time someone points out your ego, tell it like Addison DeWitt (George Sanders): “We all come into this world with our little egos equipped with individual horns. If we don't blow them, who else will?”

Next time someone tells you shut up, throw ‘em this Margo gem: “Peace and quiet is for libraries!”

Next time someone comes on too strong, say what Bill said to Eve: “What I go after, I want to go after. I don't want it to come after me. Don't cry. Just score it as an incomplete forward pass.”

Ooh zing!

Wanna learn more about All About Eve? I recommend the book All About All About Eve by Sam Staggs. You’ll learn juicy tidbits like how Bette Davis’ unfortunate case of laryngitis gave Margo her signature whiskey-throated rasp, plus you’ll find out what she really thought of her costars. In the meantime, what are some of your fave lines from All About Eve?

Quick Quips for May 15th

"There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen."

-Bette Davis

For Mr. Flag’s Secretary

The Clearview Theater in the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan has a series called “Chelsea Classics.” It’s hosted by famed (and fabulous) drag queen Hedda Lettuce, who you may have seen on Project Runway and The Tyra Banks Show, and shows classic films on the big screen every Thursday night (Saturday this week for some reason, but who’s paying attention anyway). This week’s film: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.

Andrea discovered the hidden gem and so we ventured out for some sushi and psychosis and we've both agree that there's no way we're not going back. Who cares if we were the only straight ones in the house! For 10 bucks we got a stand up routine from Hedda, the chance to win fab prizes like boy butter (we hadn’t heard of it, either, but we’re pretty sure it has something to do with the disclaimer, “Pre Show for Mature Audiences Only”), and the unique experience of viewing a classic with commentary from everyone’s favorite drag queen. To add to the ambiance of the night, the audience is encouraged to follow along by shouting out their favorite lines (I was pleasantly surprised by how much that didn't annoy me). I couldn’t imagine any other way to first see the 1962 film about family, about pride and about dreams…all of which have gone terribly terribly wrong.

The plot reads like so: Baby Jane Hudson (Davis) was a child star who overshadowed her sister Blanche (Crawford). Baby Jane then becomes an alcoholic while Blanche rises to stardom. Baby Jane cripples Blanche in a drunken, jealous rage by hitting her with a car only to end up caring for Blanche for the rest of her life while she tries to rebuild the fragments of her gin-soaked career. Reads like a Lifetime movie, no? Essentially, it’s about the jealousy of two women who couldn’t stand each other. How appropriate to cast two actresses who took unveiled swipes at each other throughout the better parts of their careers.

While I don’t understand why Davis thought Crawford was talentless (she really wasn’t horrible, and she’s a good crier), I must admit that Davis does steal the show. If you’ve never seen Baby Jane, you can imagine Davis’ performance like that of Jack Nicholson in The Shining: an absolute, terrifying, sick fall into insanity played so well that all you can do is laugh at the brilliance of the role. Davis is - hands-down - my new classics obsession.

Check out the pictures below of the night:

Here's Andrea outside our new find after we had sushi for dinner: Alan's Alley Video on 9th Avenue. Classics in the windows. Brilliant. From there we went on to the theater...


...where we got gift bags filled with chips...

...and got to watch Madonna videos while we waited...

Nothing says, "This theater is in the Chelsea district," more than watching '80s-era Madonna videos in sequential order...

And then Hedda came out (no pun intended), did his (her?) stand up...

...gave out some prizes and introduced the movie.

After the film, which - as I said already - was awesome, Hedda was cool enough to take a picture with Andrea and me.

We are absolutely making this a regular event. Those of you in the New York are, check out a flick some Thursday night. Hedda hosts the 7pm showing.

Quick Quips for April 24th

"If I ever get hold of that hag I'll tear every hair out of her moustache."

- Tallulah Bankhead on Bette Davis

Quick Quips for April 2nd

"I always admire Katharine Hepburn's cheekbones. More than her films."

- Bette Davis

The Dog Days of Davis

Often considered the “The First Lady of the American Screen,” Bette Davis wasn’t exactly known for her looks. She even said herself, “Hollywood always wanted me to be pretty, but I fought for realism.” Despite that, though, Davis molded her career and garnered a lot of acclaim thanks to her talent.

So if you’re a fan of, say, Maggie Gyllenhaal or Christina Ricci, well then you can thank Davis for that. Hell, you better thank her for Madonna, too. That chick has no looks or talent, yet she’s managed to take over the entertainment world - not to mention a small African country - out of sheer bitch power. But I digress.

Born April 5, 1908 in Lowell, Massachusetts, Davis started out on Broadway before heading to Hollywood. She did six films with Universal and headed to Warner Brothers when that contract was up in 1932. From there, it was off and running. Two Oscars amidst a six-decade career. But that’s the least of the reasons why I’ve fallen in platonic love with Davis. My love stems from her need to express her disdain towards anyone she didn’t like.

Particularly Joan Crawford.

The Davis and Crawford fought for years before they were both cast to star in 1962’s What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. Davis took whatever measures she could to make Crawford feel unwelcome. She even went so far as to have a Coca-Cola machine installed on set because Crawford late husband was Pepsi’s CEO. Crawford returned the favor by wearing weights in her pockets when Davis would have to drag her across the floor during scenes.

But it gets even better (worse?). Davis had to kick Crawford during one of their scenes. She reportedly kicked Crawford in the head so hard that it resulted in stitches.

Davis didn’t always keep things behind the scenes, though. She was extremely colorful when speaking about Crawford as well. Here are just a few of our favorite quotes:

“I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire.”

“She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”

“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why [Crawford] always plays ladies.”

In a rare attempt at a back-handed compliment, Davis said that while she and Crawford have never been friends, “I admire her, and yet I feel uncomfortable with her. To me she is the personification of the Movie Star. I have always felt her greatest performance is Crawford being Crawford.”

And, speaking with class after Crawford passed away: “You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good … Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

The rivalry is said to stem from mutual jealousy. Davis privately coveted Crawford’s good looks while Crawford lacked the professional acting credits and acclaim that Davis owned. But whatever the reason, Bette earned a dear place in my heart. Even though she never would have appreciated it.

Quick Quips for February 23rd

"There was more good acting at Hollywood parties than ever appeared on the screen." - Bette Davis

Quick Quips for February 2nd

"Hollywood always wanted me to be pretty, but I fought for realism." -Bette Davis